1. You know what, sometimes with my personality and randomity of my thoughts, I don't blame others for judging me as weird or crazy. Mm...that's why I wonder how many people actually truly understands or knows me. Today, something highlighted it even more. Sometimes I blame myself for the need to make everything so crystal clear, especially in terms of people-to-people relations. Especially when dealing with guys, they don't really feel comfortable when u ask them something like "Do you have something against me?" However, that's precisely the thing I do. Which is why I can mess up relationships with some people :P
Mm... today the experience is Zhang Fan. If I've been talking to you lately, - I mean talking in depth - you'd know that I've got this feeling that he's got something against me. E.g. When I say something he just doesn't believe. Plus I admit I've done things to irritate him 'cos i just feel like rebutting these people and being straightforward as I am, I'll always ding zui when I kan bu shaung. Well when I suspect, I choose to seek clarification, precisely the thing I did but it somehow complicated stuff instead because of misinterpretations. I guess I just don't get along with some people. Who cares.

2. Mmm... there's this guy I 'like' and well my friend likes him too. At first I was determined to give him up for her. Even though she admitted to finding him attractive, she started denying when we talk about it too often. Nevertheless, most of us can see that she truly likes him. Hmm...be it crush or anything. Well, I don't know.. sometimes I get a bit envious of her. At least she's more of his type (I think) and he has a better impression of her than me, considering all my idiocracies and craziness. Besides, I'll bet he finds me weird, random and crazy. Especially when I'm sure a number of the friends around him no doubt finds me so. And as always, I worsen situations when I like someone. Though this time is different from the past. I actually started avoiding him for don't know what reason. I just dun feel like meeting his eyes, don't feel like looking at his direction during lessons except maybe peep from the corner of my eye. It's like I'm too too too afraid of giving myself ANY hope because I know he's too out of my reach. And more and more out of my reach with everyday that passes. Many's telling me to not think about relationships now and I don't really want to commit to a relationship to disrupt my studies or his, but he's the kind I want to be good friends with. Especially when if it's someone with a different personality with him, I could have become good friends with him easily.

3. That beside, being the girl with a boyish personality who likes to hang around guys and finds it easier to talk with guys, I guess my craziness and openness do give people the wrong idea. Apparently even Qin told me although I may treat 'T' as my good friend/buddy only, that's apparently not how people see it from the exterior. Well that's why I feel JC life is so different from RV. I miss those freedom of playing and mixing with guys cos apparently when I'm with some whiny girls or even when with gentle girls, I feel like I have to be the 'mature' and more 'quiet' party to be the 'listener'. It's only with guys whom they allow me to be childish and say and do lots of things without getting angry/pissed so easily or get the wrong idea. And I'm tired of emo people. I wanna be happy everyday. I'm happy being with our clique but sometimes it's different what things you chat about with different groups of people. And such experiences are intriguing. Hearing others' opinions is really interesting which is why sometimes I don't really like stick around with one group of people. Not that they're not nice or I don't like them. I'm happy with them but Librans love to socialize. However, this friend whom denies liking 'T' though everyone knows she likes him, starts pushing him to me. Don't care out of jealousy or what not. But it's so not true. I'm not someone who chases after a friends candy.

4. Besides, I really have to apologize to my great friends with such high tolerance levels. Sometimes I'm not buaysong or unhappy, I'm just too tired to smile. Sometimes I didn't mean to sound mean, I'm just not smiling. Sometimes I didn't mean to make u shocked or feel hurt, I'm just straightforward. Sometimes I want to listen, but I just don't know what to say in return. Sometimes... I feel very touched that despite all these unhappiness you may or may not have towards me, you people still accepted me.
To Liao Heng, sorry for scolding you over the phone when I truly wished to scold 'Mr Y' for his lack of consideration. You had to put up with my agitation for a whole 5 minutes. Sorry for saying things like 'wo yan li zhi you ni'. It's all out of good fun. Please don't take me seriously.
To Hanisah, sorry for being rude etc at you at pizza hut on friday. I didn't mean anything, except that I wasn't smiling and I know I look pissed/unhappy/serious when not smiling. I had medicine and was super tired. Sorry for sometimes being so firm with you, because I feel that you should stand up for yourself. Don't let people push you around. You must understand that it's important to be considerate to yourself too. Consider what you like and don't like and SOMETIMES you have to think of yourself and reject things you don't like. Say no to people like 'T' if you really don't feel like entertaining her whines for hours. Love you always always though, cereal (:

5. I'm leading a 'booked 7 days a week' life. Mon-Fri I have lessons and homework. Sat-Sun I have dance. Which is why I'm thinking of dropping Ms Chng's lessons on Sun because despite her being a strict and marvellous teacher whom exposed me to much in just 1 lesson with her, I really want to study hard. Half my saturday is gone because I have to start prepping for dance at 1530 when it starts at 1700 and ends at around 1900, then I'll normally reach home about 2000. On sunday it's sort of worse, prep starts at 1130, dance at 1315 to around 1500 and I actually reach home at 1600. Sometimes just as I was getting into the mood for studies, I have to prep for dance. When i just reach home, I'm too tired to study. I really want to work hard and catch up on lots. I want to go out and commit myself to study on saturdays and sundays. But dropping sunday lessons also mean a great drop in the possibility of my taking Inter-Foundation Exams this year. It's a matter of whether it's important for me. Which is more important.

Just a few last words 'cos I'm too tired to continue. Going sleep.
To Jo, I miss you lots! Go out study together (:
To Sihui, miss you!
To Yishi, want go study together? Must jiayou together, you can do it k!

Labels: Randomization, thoughts, vent